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November 19th, 2006
"Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life"

I can relate to that.

I've noticed that
people really do change
when they're around certain people.
like, when a girl gets a boyfriend, for example
she basis her life around him
and starts acting like him.

It's just weird.
people are weird.

But I know that when I had a boyfriend I was really happy.
even if our relationship was boring, due to my lack of experience and social anxiety.

It's funny how you think you're 'content' with someone
but they're not content with you.

It's not like I NEED a boyfriend, I just really want one.
Personally, I just want sex.
None of that.. attachment-fighting-jealousy bullshit.
I'm not really like that in a relationship anywho.
But I do want someone who will at least... make me feel wanted.
( but really my hormones are insane right now )

I don't think sex is at anyway 'cool'.
Just to throw that out there.

"World of Warcraft is a feeling. Who needs a social life?"

for real.

November 17th, 2006
my heartstrings cease to strain i've
aquired a taste for poisoned lips drank
deep of this disease in me adored with
prying eyes beneath a mask made of flesh
and thorns collected from the ones she'd
loved before her eyes were opened wide
she now could see forever traced deep the
marks she'd made with her razor
the lines of suicide

November 13th, 2006
I wanna feel his warm body
caress against my skin
I wanna feel his gentle hands
travel from my chest, and down
I want to hear him moan
with the thought of me pleasing him
I want his hands to slide my garments off
as he begins to breathe harder.
I want to feel him inside me
pumping, thrusting, kissing
I want to grasp his back
so that he has hand prints
I wanna scream in pleasure
as his head is around my hips
I will start to sweat
when his tongue enters its home.
I wanna feel a warm sensation
running down my leg.
I want him to hold me
like i'm the most fragile object
in the world.

Now that's hot.
Aha. What I write about
when i'm bored
100 dollaz if you can guess what guy i was thinken aboot!

November 12th, 2006
My IRL diary is way better.
because I write about everybody.

Yes there is more guys.
surprisingly. That's definatly a mystery
never to be revealed.

I just got my whirlwind axe on my tauren
woot woot pwnage.

Today the power was out for 3 hours.
It turned off when I was talking to, ahem, him.
He said he doesn't trust me.
I don't know what I did to lose his trust.
He also said he doesn't understand why I talk to him.
Hm. And I've been thinking about a real, honest answer to that.
I REALLY don't want to say I love him
but it's the only thing that makes sense.
it's NOT even a romantic type of love either
it's a Please-don't-ever-stop-being-apart-of-my-life-because-I-care-about-you-a-lot type of love.
I'm not sure if that would really.. be a good thing to say to him.
In all honesty, I think that would scare him.
I know it's a possibilty for him to actually read what i'm saying in this
but I don't think he does.
Just when I thought I had him, I lost him yet again.
He's such a challenge. it seems as if he just loves the attention I give.
He absolutely loves being a pain in the ass to me.
I'm not sure why. What's so appealing about me frustrated and or confused?
Why can't he just trust me? I would never want to hurt him in anyway
(I mean really I just wanna sechs him up :P )
Is it wrong to like.. really wanna do that to someone?
Even though i'm assuming he could care less if I died
i'd still do him, even if he hates me and he was just using me
I would still do it.
Am I the only one who doesn't find that remotely wrong?

I guess you know, in those movies
there's always that 'mean' kid. The guy you think would love no one.
And ever since I was a girl in puberty, i've always been attracted
to being the one girl that the guy would love.
The guy who is mean to everyone, except for me.
I'm not sure what's attractive about that to me
but it is. And I guess he kind of fits that title.

I just want to feel his warm body on mine, doing haha... magical things.

Oh lust, How I hate you.

And yet, it's like love.

Oh god, who am I kidding.
I'm not that desperate.
I'm not that attached
I'm not that vulnerable
as you think my dear.

I'm pretty damn sick.
sick mentally
sick physically
sick emotionally.
Doctor, fix me?
please. I'm feeling like crap.

Fuck stock market projects, just fuck it.
She can rot in hell for making me do all this work.
It was such a chore copying Brennan's work, I tell you.
I thank "God" for people out there
who let me copy them.
I normally don't copy people, unless i'm extremely lazy
in which in this class
I am.
economics, do the economy a favor and rot in hell.

It's times like today
where the power is out
your room is lit up by candles
and you're listening to The Cure
that make you realize
how lonely you are.

..and pathetic.

I need to get laid.

November 10th, 2006
love is horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it oepns up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you.

November 9th, 2006
i'm in a weird stage.
sometimes, i just could care less.
and other times
i really miss him.
Yeah, no one can comprehend what I miss.
it's when he's alone. when he's not being annoying, or a jackass.
when he's alone he makes me smile a lot a lot. and
i miss that deeply.
i just, don't know what i did for things
to get like this.
but whatever it is
i'm destined to fix it.
i'll try.
and if i fail
than i give up
for good.
you seeing clearly..
for good.

According to my livejournal, it appears as if my life revolves around that.
it's just what's always on my mind.
i have this ability to make myself happy
and i have an ability to make myself really
now, considering i'm alone most of my life
you kind of adapt to being alone.
loneliness starts to disappear
and you're just used to it.
i'm in the adapting stage.
however; i dont think anyone should feel
the way i do now.
hopeless, dependent, and isolated.
but hey.
life goes on I suppose.
If I die alone, than
i'm a sad, sad being.

November 4th, 2006
So it seems as if i'm back at square one.
that time period where he was really mean
to me, and swear were going to be nothing more than
'people who know each other'.
In other words.. I'm going to
go through that 'forget him' process again.
oh. fucking. joy.

November 3rd, 2006
Well I'll sit here and convince myself it's true.
If you keep on telling your friends that we're through.
I've got nothing here but loneliness
Holes in walls and bleeding fists.
My head is pounding like a pillow, like a big black song.

Well my friends and I try to tell me you're gone.
Won't listen to myself or anyone.
You got on a plane and off you went.
You're never coming back again.

I'm trying to convince myself it's true.
Convincing myself
I'll be just fine without you.
I'll be here telling myself it's true.

November 3rd, 2006
So I really want that one boy
he's so hawt.
sorry brennan if you're reading this, deal lol
it's de damn troof.
everyones breaking up
it's fucking insane.

November 1st, 2006
Just don't read this..

October 30th, 2006
Baby you and I'd be better than friends
Don't you think it's time we went a bit further
Every night when we say goodbye
How can I help looking in your eyes?
Wondering why you and I haven't hit it
Can we get it on?

October 28th, 2006
i am relal buzzed right now
and my friends absolutely arent
them party poopers
dont know how to drink
fo real
but i really
want to do that guy
im so drunk i think

October 25th, 2006
that's the emote
whenever I see him.
but the thing is, I pretend to not see him.
because i'm an idiot.
and too scared to talk to him.
Sometimes I catch myself practically staring at him
and I feel embarassed, because I don't notice myself doing it.
I don't think anyone else does either.
but god damn
these feelings either gotta go
or i'm screwed,again.

October 24th, 2006
You're kind of truth darling, is just the ghost of your lies. I see through them all the time

October 24th, 2006
You are a loser and it's such a shame
That you're a fool and you don't know
That in a viking I'll walk all over you
And by my sword you will die

October 22nd, 2006
She may let you spam her journal
but you wont spam mine

October 22nd, 2006
my brother put a trojan on my computer >.< rawr

and for some reason these skanks want to fight me
yeah because fighting solves problems
maybe in there own immature world
some people.

October 18th, 2006
so i'm quite the lonely one.
seems how he's not an option.
i dont have anyone.
and i really want someone.

i guess The Beatles can be my boyfriend.
they sing me pretty songs
and dance cool.
and they live in yellow submarines.
i mean damn, what a home.

and if he was only interested for sex
let's do it.

i'm not a damn whore.

October 18th, 2006
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can't think anymore about that or about him tonight
i give myself three days to feel better
or i swear i'll drive right off a fucking cliff
because if i can't make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit

October 17th, 2006
So i've got a new eye opener.
turns out he's two faced.
as hell.
doesn't want me liking him.
than why does he always IM me.
fucking bullshit.
i'm so lost.

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